Been Some Time Since Last

Hello, how has everyone been? Good, not so bad myself. Now as I see, I haven't posted since Aug'13, and I don't know why. But I felt the need to vent, just a little...
 Had me a rich customer the other day. Now the only reason I tell this short tale is for the fact that rich people are like you and I, only they have the money to go have fun whenever they want, and really don't have to go to WalMart to buy stuff. Now I was in this rich persons house figuring out his wiring when I realized I needed to grab something from my van. I explained this to the customer and went to my vehicle. When I came back about 3 1/2 minutes later, no customer. So I went back to doing what I was doing. I then heard someone at the top of the basement steps. Now where I was you couldn't see the top of the steps. But I remembered seeing a dog laying at the top of them. Not thinking much about it until I heard one bubbly/moist/and a slightly pushed fart come from that direction. I'm glad someone is that confident in there arse muscles....but damn!!! I think I even heard the dog get up and move. Now my question here is, whether he knew I was back in the house or not, is this rich people etiquette? Do they really feel as those their shit doesn't stink? Cause I'm telling you, that thing sounded like his wife might have to use a little more effort on his drawers when she washes them! He came back downstairs about 10 minutes later, I didn't notice a funny walk nor a smell, and nothing was ever mentioned.
 The next thing I would like to bring up is older people again, with their obsession with animals. Now when you can smell the cat urine from outside, you know it's going to be one of those jobs. But little did I know, she'd have another surprise for me inside. Very nice old woman with a few cats (I counted 22). She came to the door in her nightie...but with little else on under. Hair was going up and about, and the things under her nightie were going more down with gravity. Now I know I've said it before, but something about cat urine on the carpet drives me nutty. Especially if it's where I might have to kneel down. Long story short, she shoved a phone cord into a jack then into the back of her router. But the part she plugged into the router was for out not in. So I was thankful that day for no cat piss on my knees, and the slight burlesque show from the black and white era lady...
Cheers,
Marc

Theme Of This Post: Weird Women Encounters

I bring to the table this post, two different older women that explained to me that they have cancer and need their phones working. Both puffing on a cigarette while telling me this, life choices is what I'm chalking that up too. Next was another older woman that came to the door and told me she "wasn't expecting me", to which I replied, "Did you call in a trouble report ma'am?" And she said "Yes." So I said "Can I come in, the trouble is inside?" "NO, I wasn't expecting you!" At this point I just slowly turned away and said "Have a nice day ma'am." What am I supposed to do? Are these life's small challenges that it throws at people from time to time? How can you even combat with something like that? It's like going to a flea market and expecting brand new designer products for rock bottom prices...lol. You get what I mean, I hope. But my final thought for this post is something that happened to me very early in this week. It is something I've heard before from other technicians, but never really encountered on my own. Now I have been doing my style job for about 17 years, meaning having to go to peoples houses. Which reminds me of a time I had to go to a single wide trailer early on the morning. Now I don't remember telling this story on here but if I did, just skim over it till I get back to my original story....ok? I knock on the door to let the customer know that I was going to be raising their drop wire up off the top of their trailer. It's nice to tell people this before they hear weird noises banging on their house. So like I said I knock on the front door and a young girl, early 20's opens the door in just her bra. Realizing it's me, she jumps behind the door and screams "Oh my God, I thought you were my Dad!" Uh wait, what weird twisted family are these peoples a part of? Ok, quick old story, but back to what I was talking about before, I arrive at the customers house about 8:30 am. It's a little farm about 20-30 acres I'd say. I park at the house and I'm greeted by a older gentleman in red coveralls and rubber boots that come to right below his knees. Now he's probably 4'10" and just a cool older fellow. He explains to me about the phone, and that the box I'm looking for is in his basement. So as I'm following him around towards the basement, we exchange pleasantries about the weather and how screw mowing all this damn grass. As we get close to the door I can hear a woman talking. He opens the door and I follow, to which he turns to the left, as do I. When I turn and look up, there is the woman talking on the phone that was reported not working but she is bent over facing me and the water balloons were just a dangling. She was butt a$$ naked. I immediately turned and walked about 25 feet outside the door and just stared at the cows. I know that my face had to be as red as his coveralls. I heard him say, "The phone mans here, put your clothes on." A few seconds later he told me to "Come on, she's gone." I later figured out that was where their shower was, but DAMN, I wasn't expecting full frontal nudity of a 80+ year old woman. It's supposed to be a young skinny vibrant late 20ish female, this isn't a fantasy AT ALL!!! I had to later come back after I fixed the problem and talk face to face with both of them. I tried to direct all eye contact with him. I don't think she knew what I saw, but he did, and it freaked me out. What do you think he would have done if I would have just stayed there and watched...lol, just kidding.
Well that's all I have,
Marc

It's Just a Basement...Right?

Well hello everyone, it's been over a month since my last post. I have been one busy bee at work since my coworker went out for surgery. But today is the first day in a while that I could sit down a reflect on all the wonderful people I have met in the past month. I've been keeping notes on weird people just so that I could come back later to explain here in my blog. I even have a new story for My Life as a Redneck Neighbor Blog, God I hate my neighbors!!! But enough about that, the little tale I'm going to tell you about actually happened yesterday. I had arrived at the house I had a trouble ticket on. A little old lady, maybe in her late 60's greets me at the door. Telling me that lightning had gotten her phone and her satellite. So I go to our box to check it out, and indeed lightning had tore the box up. I replaced all the guts inside and still didn't have any dial tone. I measure it to find that it had broke at the pole also. After I fix that I call her house with no answer. I go into the house check the phone and still nothing, but it was working at our box. Well with my above the average person intelligence level, I figured out something might be wrong between our box and this jack. Real genius I am...lol. So I come back inside to get a better look at the jack. Her couch was in the way and I told her I needed to move it out. She told me "It's heavy, that's why I don't clean behind there." Looking at the rest of her house, at this point that is, and say to myself SURE, that's the reason. So I slid it out to see that lightning had also gotten it. "Ok can I see your basement please", since the wire was coming from downstairs. She gets this look on her face like did he really just ask me that. Then goes into explaining to me that her brother is on vacation down in Florida and he hasn't been by to take out her trash. ??? Then she opens the basement door. Holy shit, look at all that trash! Must have been the look on my face, cause she automatically apologizes. I get downstairs to find pathways through bags of trash, and I mean TRASH. How long has this brother been on vacation, since February?! But not only trash because all we've seem to have for the last month is rain, we now have soaked trash. So I start doing some investigation to find she has a collection of spiders working overtime on web making. Of course my face was what removed most of them. As I'm spitting webs out of my mouth I keep hearing "sorry!" from the little old lady. She had mentioned something about it's just a basement, that's what you do with them. And ask me if I had a basement, I said I did. She then said is yours like this, and I replied, "No, we use ours as a room, to which she said "Oh, sorry." Ok so after numerous trip back and forth to the van I finally get it fixed, which lightning had hit that wire in 2 more places in the basement. Lightning doesn't always play nice. Go back upstairs now to meet the sister who also lives there. She made me feel like a a free sample of candy dangling in front of a Wal Mart electric cart riding diabetic. She just made me feel uncomfortable, especially since I had to bend over to replace the jack. So of course I hid my ass crack before I go towards the floor, I think I heard a damn come from underneath her breath. I am a catch, just sad that it's to old ass women...lol. Well I get everything done and push the couch back to it's original position and go to my vehicle. The first old lady comes out about 45 seconds later and said,"Sir you forgot to put the box back on the wall." Now she told me she isn't able to clean back there but she's able to go back there to inspect my work?! I grabbed some double sided tape and attached the jack to the wall, even though the dust balls back there were bigger than her head. I find that people are weird about things in their life, she cares not about huge dust bunnies behind her couch or the fact that she has a small garbage dump in her basement, but God forbid that jack isn't attached to the wall...
I'm going home to get into the pool,
Marc

Things That Make You Go Hmmmmmmmmm?!

   Today I bring something to the table that still puzzles me from time to time. I've been doing house visits for at least 10 years, and every now and again I come across this. I knocked on the customers door and a young woman came out to greet me. She told me she had to put her dog up that was in the yard that I needed to get into. Having brought out a collar with her she then took the dog around the backside of the house. About that time someone else came out of the house, I'm guessing to stay with me in case I needed anything. The problem here is that I'm not really sure what sex this person was. I even tried to strike up a conversation with it, but damn that didn't get me anywhere. So I have come to the conclusion, it was either a prepubescent boy, or a, what's the politically correct term...gay female trying to look like a prepubescent boy. And not that it really matters, but I would like to know what I'm talking too. Just in case I make an off colored joke, I want to know that I offended the wrong person. LOL just kidding, I'm in customer service, I would never intentionally offend anyone on purpose. This makes me think back to the time I had to call a customer before I was to arrive at their house. Now my Facebook friends already know this story but, here it goes anyways. Now it's our companies policy to call a customer that your working on before, during, and after. So I did as I was threatened to do and called this certain customer. Talked to them asked questions, blah blah blah, ended with "thank you ma'am, I will see you in a few minutes. Bye bye." To get there and find that the customer was an older man living alone. And I don't think he liked the ma'am comment, from his facial expression the whole time I was there.
   Here is another little tid bit of info on me, not that any of you care, but I'm gonna tell you anyways. My user name on here is crsh3x, I've used this name for years I guess since I was about 26 years old. Wow 15 years, damn I'm getting old. But where this name came from was when I worked at Bell Atlantic in Maryland I had 3 different accidents in my work van within a year and a half, which led to my early retirement from said company. So my user name is meant as crash 3 times, which equals unemployment. Ha ha ha, everything happens for a reason.
Ok, that's it for a Saturday,
Marc

Well Look At That Almost 2000

   First I would like to take the time and thank the 12 of you out there reading my blog. As it gets closer to 2000 views, I never thought anyone would even read it once let alone 2000 times. So once again thanks.

   Yesterday I had a customer that I've had before, but it has been some time since I had been there. I did remember he was from Jersey or somewhere in close proximity, just because of the way he talked. I get there and he greets me at his screen door. He is about 4' 8", no shirt on and has this weird golden brown old person tan....uuuuhhhhhmmmmm ok. Reminded me of what the Pillsbury Doughboy would look like right out of the oven. Now I know you should feel comfortable in your own home, but damn, between his little dog nipping at my ankles and his golden brown butterball gut, I felt uncomfortable. I was looking for a pop-up timer on his well baked ass. In the end I did get through all the "you know what I'm saying?" references and not kicking the dog once...on purpose that is.
   Had another customer who owned a child a few weeks back. Now the kids are and have been out of school since May 20th here. Yeah for us, damn road obstacles! But back to the story, well since the child is out of school what better way to keep him out of your hair then to tell him go see if the repair guy needs any help. And darn if that kid didn't stick to me like a dog's tongue on his own...(you get the point). I had to run a new wire along the outside of their home. Of course 80% of the house I had to get to had 4' high bushes in front of it. Not so bad if it hadn't rained the night before. Needless to say I knocked most of the water off the leaves, with my face, UGH!!! Then I get to the porch where this child's toes are in flip flops 3" from my head.  The kid never said anything, just watched me like a hawk watches a field mouse. Gave me an odd feeling, but I then remembered, it's not the kids fault he's dumb, it's his parents fault for being such close DNA matches. It got to the point where I had to ask him to move so that I could get my wire through yet another very wet bush. I felt like getting the kid to hold my wire then shoving him into the bush. But that wouldn't be very customer oriented, now would it?
   On a side note, you know what's fun to do? Ask a customer if you may use their restroom, and imply that it's so you can do a #2. Tried it twice in my 17 years as a repirman, didn't work either time. Damn I would've built a nest, not like I want my butt touching where your butt touches...lol.
Have a great day,
Marc

Oh The Jobs I've Done

Well its' been over a month since I've last posted, but in my defense I've been busy with the honey to do list and people visiting us....sooooo. Not too many fruitcakes as of late at my job, so there is another reason for my lack of posting. I did have a lady come to my van window when I pulled into their driveway and speak AT me, with what I figured was here outside voice. And only like 6 inches from my face, nothing like a women shouting at you that close. I think I could feel facial hair moving from here breath winds...not pleasant! But since I haven't had any overly fun customers lately, I figured I might write about some of my past jobs, and I have had a lot of past jobs! First job that I would like to talk about was not my very first job ever, but was early in my job getting career. It was a McJob as I like to call it. Now most of the time you could find me in the back walk-in eating pickles out of the 5 gallon bucket and slurping down OJ. And I would grab a few McNuggets to get the pickle breath off me. But the real kicker to this job was how I lost it, I was fired for sexual harassment. I, being the kind hearted person that I have always been, felt the need to make a not so pretty girl feel good about herself. How, you might ask could I, a simple little fellow do something like this? Simply by grabbing her butt, this I thought at the time might just give her the self confidence she needs in this hard reality we live in. But instead of the self boost I was hoping for, just got me let go. One good thing is that I learned a valuable life lesson from this experience, never eat that many pickles in one sitting. Another job as a youth I had was at a wood pallet place, here they would refurbish pallets then resell them. No big deal, right?! I get there on my first day and I would say about 30 minutes into the shift I hear a siren and see some guy leaving with his hand all wrapped up. The boss then comes over to me and explains that I will be changing jobs due to an unfortunate event. Meaning the guy I just saw leave with his hand half ripped off was on this piece of machinery he wants me to now jump onto, needless to say I quit that job within 10 minutes of that news. Had a job at Taco Bell, but that was me sitting in the back walk-in eating yellow cheese and cinna-twist. I've had numerous jobs as a dishwasher/cook at some of the corporate places like Friday's, Red Lobster, Outback, etc...Good place to meet people and go find parties, but that's about it. Couldn't handle that lifestyle anymore, so glad I did it, but no more. Had a job at a bowling alley when I was in Southern California, I never knew how many Asians lived in this part of the world, nor did I know how much they like to bowl?! The part I liked about this job was when these Asians came to bowl, you couldn't get a pair of bowling shoes under the size 5, all taken. Little feeted people bowling, I'm sorry that's funny to me! Some other places I've worked, Uhaul, Sbarro's, Dominoes, MCI/ Verizon Business, I was a paperboy, Bell Atlantic, Bill Bateman's, Rainbow vacuums salesman, Hi Gear Auto, Papa Johns and a few more that at this point I can't remember. So there you have the life of a slacker before he walked into responsibility. Hey but it has made me the smart ass I've become today. And for that I'm thankful...
Hope everyone is enjoying this hot weather as much as I do working outside in it,
Marc

McDisgusting

Is there ever a polite way of telling someone they live in filth? From time to time I find myself going into places that is beyond livable. And yesterday I had one of those lovely experiences...I was met at the door by, wait, let us start with coming up to the house. I see the address numbers on a sign by the street and make the turn into the driveway. Here is where I first hear the lovely sounds of a small dog barking to greet me, but couldn't see him through the tall grass, always a plus to not run over customers pets in their driveways. I see this house that just looks run down with two of the windows boarded up. And on the corner of this house I once again see the house address on the side of this P.O.S. and start thinking AWESOME!!! But as I got further into the landscaping nightmare, I saw a car parked behind the shack. And low and behold a single wide was back there with it. Not much better but more put together then the 1st house. Now at this point I have finally got to see what was barking at me, a little male daschund that was as friendly as could be. And another white Toto looking dog that just kinda sat there and stared at me. I knocked on the door and out came a women that has, how do I say it, let herself go?! Wearing a t-shirt and I'm not too sure if anything else was under there, but a there was a very large t-shirt on her. From what I could tell the inside had about the same effort put into cleaning it as the outside did, with just a hint of Pine Sol in the air...ha ha just kidding, it smelled like old McDonald's and farts coming out of that place! There in the back ground I could see the silhouette of something behind her, not sure what it was, but it was large. I was explaining to her that I had installed her service and was wondering if she had hooked up her modem yet? She told me no and that her son said he could do it. At this point the person behind her came out of the shadows and appeared in the daylight. It was a young girl, maybe late teens early twenty's. I'm not going to comment on her for the fact I kinda feel sorry for her, seeing how she is living. I'm guessing  this was my customers daughter, or girlfriend to the son. I went and checked to make sure that everything was working as it should at the box and came back to tell her it was good to go. This is when I met the son, he too was over the 350 lbs. mark and wasn't wearing a shirt? WTF, I weigh a lot less than that and barley EVER take off my shirt in the house, how in the heck can this guy feel comfortable walking around outside???? It's really weird how one's nipples start to oval out after they become so large, only on males of course, no need pissing off the ladies. And besides they usually keep their shirts on. I did see the one women tell the little dog to stop trying to come in the house, which I think was a smarter choice for the dog then he realized. Now I know this seems like a rant about overweight people, but it's not, it's about people being lazy and not taking care of themselves, their pets, and their personal property. Damn you live there, take a little pride and clean up.
Sorry for the rant just venting, have a good day,
Marc

Internet, The Wave Of The Future...For Old People?????

Theme for this post: OLD PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET LIKE PORN TOO!!!
The other day I had the opportunity to meet a very nice elderly couple. They invited me in, and we went to the spare bedroom where their modem was. He started by telling me what he had already tried and what has been happening prior to my arrival. Then the wife chimes in about her having troubles with calling long distance. I then noticed a weird little look come across her husbands face after she spoke. Not shortly after that they both left the room. I started to look at the modem and do some test when I heard them start to argue/disagree but not in a drunkin' slap around and cursing kind of way, more like if Mary Poppin's and Nanny McPhee were to meet in a back alley in Britain. But back to the point, they were discussing how she needs to stop bothering the repairman with stupid things like long distance and voice mail, he needs to worry about getting the internet back up. "Besides, you talk to darn much to that nosey sister of yours anyways! I thought we moved here to get away from her?!" Now the reason I know this is because, they are old and they tend to speak loudly at each other so the other can hear. Now knowing this, and the fact that they stepped out of the room so that I wouldn't, makes it that much more awkward when they return. Both come in staring at me as I'm sitting on their floor messing with the jack. The tension seemed to die down after I mention how long it had been since I had watched The Price Is Right, oh that's right forgot to tell you that The Price Is Right was playing on their TV. See, these are things you learn while out amongst the normal people, to try and diffuse a situation by making whoever is upset feel relaxed. And something about Drew Carey and "A NEW CAR!!!" that just makes the blue hair's calm. http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=blue%20hair We got everything fixed with his internet, and I pulled the misses on the side while the mister played on his computer, and explained to her what she needed to do to get her long distance fixed. I then left her my number, and told the husband I did so, just so we don't get another call from a mad husband... (earlier post), and I was on my way. Good times with some relics....ha ha ha  Love me some oldies! One more for the road, I had another older guy that had internet problems, but he lived with 3 fat little dogs and that was it. He smoked like a chimney, and that is always a plus for someone that doesn't smoke anymore. But while I'm trying to figure out what's going on, his desktop switches over to his screen saver. Which was set on his picture file I guess. Random pics of family members are popping up. Some people more than others but just random memories. Not a big deal, right? WRONG, then here and there a down shirt shot would pop up. But it was of some of the teenage girls that were in the other family pictures, and they weren't what I would exactly call consented pictures. Shit like that really makes me feel uneasy, this is his personal weirdness, not something I should be privy too. But he knew what was on it, and didn't try to make the screen saver go away...weird pervert is how I'm chalking that one up!
Have a great day and stay weird normal people,
Marc

Hit Me Like a Ton of Cat Shit Bricks

I entered a house today that completely smelled like very strong body odor. Now you would think as you moved around this house it would calm down, but it didn't, every room I went into, it was almost like Ben Stiller in Along Came Polly playing basketball http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=OSqvy93s4ao... eeeewwwwhhhh!!! How can one live in this funk, but I guess much like the crazy cat ladies, after your used to the ammonia cat pee smell you just don't notice it anymore. Thank goodness I only had to be in there about 4.5 minutes! Yesterday, I was asked, well told when I got in that I would be going to another area to help out. No problemo, should be no trouble at all. Boy was I wrong! There was people, stop lights, and traffic everywhere. I'm used to being on a road for an hour and not seeing anyone pass me in that time frame. Here, you better be looking or they will run your butt over, then honk at you for getting pieces of you on their hood. It's been about 6 1/2 years since I've lived up north and have become slightly accustom to the slower paced life. But enough about me being a deer in headlights around civilization, the third job I had in this area was in an middle class neighborhood, nothing out of the ordinary. I checked the customers trouble out, and seemed to be working fine on the outside, but no one was home. So I called the can be reached number to see if I could get access inside. A lady answers and after explaining who I was and what I found, she asked if I would mind staying th+re until she got there? I told her I would and she arrived about 10 minutes later. We greet and then go inside to check her internet, bam we walk into cat urine castle, you know, the kind that takes your breath away. Monday's are always the best! After I start testing on her modem, she asks me a question. "Can anyone just get access to your cell phone records?" "Excuse me?" "Well since you work for the phone company I figured you might know." "No ma'am, not really sure, but why?" My own fault at this point....right....I asked her, should have just kept my mouth shut. Now really quick, I forgot to mention that her husband had passed away back in January of this year. So she explains that she has a boyfriend and that he was almost fired today. "Why is that?" I'm just glutten for punishment...lol. Well his company said they had obtained his cell phone records and had all her text messages she had sent to him. And since she was a customer they, the company, felt it was in bad taste for him to date a customer. So I asked "Was this his company cell phone?" "No, his personal." "Well then, I can't see how they can get his cell phone records without a court order." She then emphatically explained to me this is what he is telling her and that she is going to go to Verizon and find out why all this is going on! At the time I thought nothing of it and wished her luck. That night I was telling my wife about the incident, and the first thing she said was, "He's trying to get rid of her." Damn, now that I think about it, he was. And she was buying this story...LOL. Well I guess she will learn eventually. But I think the moral of the story here is, don't get a boyfriend 2 months after your husband of a bunch of years passes away, oh and clean that damn cat litter!!!
Enjoy everyone,
Marc